Now, I know this is a book blog. I know that this blog is supposed to be, well, for books. But, as with most things in my life, I’ve decided to do what I want with it, so here are my two cents on the loss of motivation.
In retrospect, I don’t do much. In reality, I wake up, hate everything, go to school, hate everything, come home, hate everything, and then go to sleep. This endless cycle repeats. Over and over and over again. This vicious circle of events has become a blur, the days bleeding into each other like the ink of a comic strip under water, the muddled smears of color promising that something was once there, but like the illegible sequence of events in the comic, the novelty of my teenage years has since become obsolete.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started a post, realized I didn’t like what I was writing, and then promptly deleted it. Believe me when I say both Bella and I, the admins on this site, have been called out, nagged at, and pushed to post something. And we want to. In theory, that is. We want to be productive. We want to get something up on this site we worked so hard to start. But to get to that end point, the post being put up, is an amount of work that for some reason, neither of us have the motivation to put in.
Now, I love writing. There’s something about the feeling I get when I write, when the sentences I’m producing just fit, that I’m obsessed with. The same goes for reading. However, for some reason, I haven’t read a new book in months. Along with that, I obviously have not written anything that I would be willing to share either.
I mean, it’s not like my day is packed to the brim. I have hours upon hours of time. It just seems like there’s this suffocating, heavy feeling seeping into my bones, weighing down my shoulders, that’s stopping me from doing remotely anything. You see, if I’m being honest, I’ve been neglecting a lot of other sectors in my life as well.
My driver’s permit lessons? Haven’t completed one of those in weeks. My study habits? Restricted to a half an hour Quizlet session the night before the test. My hobbies? Well, my inactivity should serve as a testament to that statement.
I’m just so tired.
And I don’t just mean I don’t get enough sleep, which I don’t, but that’s besides the point. I don’t exactly know how to describe it, but I’m not really passionate about anything anymore.
School in itself is emotionally and physically draining. I mean, I have to force my mind into focus for almost seven hours straight, pounding in facts, concepts, and due dates. Not only that, but talking to people, worrying about what I’m going to say and how I’m going to say it and what they think of me and how I look and arghsfejjgojfosdjf-
It’s exhausting. Utterly and irrefutably exhausting. And I don’t know why. The why haunts me as I lay awake at night, the why lingers in the back of my mind like an annoying fly during the day. This question without an answer is the big question in my life right now, and I can’t seem to begin to fathom what to do about it.
I don’t want to do anything, and when I do, I get sad because it’s never how I want it to be and I can hear the voices in the back of my head telling me just to give up. To set it aside for an unassigned ‘later date’ and do something less taxing on the brain. To give up.
And I do. I listen. I forgo the part of me that wants to be proud of myself and resign myself to watching five hours of YouTube and Netflix a day, eating primarily Ritz Crackers and Pringles, and throwing myself a pity party, fit with an existential crisis and subsequent meltdown.
Because, the fact is, it’s so much easier to do nothing than to do… anything. And it’s not as simple as ‘eat better,’ ‘go to sleep earlier,’ or ‘work harder.’ I wish I had a reason for why that is… but I don’t. It sucks to not know, too. But what I’m finding through all of this is that validity is what I make it.
So, flipping the question off to anyone reading this: Have you ever felt the same way? Are you still in the slump, or did you break out of it? If so, how? Because I have too many questions and not nearly enough answers.